New goal

After what seemed like an eternity, the animals met up for a short catch up over a steamboat dinner. Animals present - dog, goat, pig, rabbit and tiger. Now that all of us are out working our asses off making a living, our topics revolved around work... and work... and just more work-related stuffs.

It was good to know everyone seems rightfully clear about their directions in life and is doing pretty well on their own. Or at least... they seem rather happy with their present life. It got me thinking, though. What truly makes me happy?

I ain't happy thinking about school on Tuesday. In fact, I've been seeking solace in Rich who will be away for a business trip TWO DAYS before the dreadful Tuesday. Anyone understands my pain now?

I really want to be happy with what I am doing right now.

And to work towards that... I will need to first ensure I lead a work-life balanced, healthy and pretty lifestyle!

I wonder...

Rich has been trying so hard the past few days to please me... It will be so hard to keep up really.

He has been leaving notes, making breakfast, buying me too many lozenges and medicine because I was having cold-cough-diarrhea all at once.

Thankful but still slightly doubtful... 'coz can keep up ma? Still a little touched though.

And I don't think I can match up to that. Sigh... 19 March. The time is ticking.

Revamp

Goal 1: Losing weight, 48kg

• End of March, 55kg
• End of April, 51kg
• End of May, 48kg

Goal 2: Dark circles

• Sleep early, 8hours a day
• Eye mask, daily

Goal 3: Freckles & moles

• Laser treatment in June (1 week before end of hols)
• Moles removal (all face)
• Derma rolling face for quick recovery

Goal 4: Stretched marks

• Derma rolling, once two weeks
• retinol cream, daily, one week before rolling

Goal 5: Wrinkled hands, neck & Dry skin

By Mid April I should be attending dance class at Kulture.

New goal

I finally knew about his plans and how just unaligned we are.

I wish I could turn back time to salvage all of these time we have wasted.

But of course, I couldn't.

How different are we until now... We are probably a miracle to be able to stand till now.

I am upset by what he told me. But I'm also glad now I finally knew. And that I was right to feel unwanted all along.

Never was there a single moment he wanted to marry me anytime earlier because he couldn't wait to be with me.

It did break my heart. I won't look forward to the day he asks for my hand because he was never intending to.

I will just look forward to May.

For now, I can finally fill the void with a new goal.

I'm going to lose weight and turn into belle and find my prince charming.

End of March - 55kg
End of April - 53kg

April - start of dance course at Kulture Studio

Never happy ever after.

Everytime I finished talking to Yvonne, my mind was... I also want to find my own happiness.

Happiness is something you need to fight for. That's what I truly believe in.

I am not someone born with luck. It's something I truly believe in and I always tell myself never to depend on luck even though I'm guilty for praying for luck once in awhile when things don't go my way.

That's why as much as I wish happiness for my friends, I also question myself my own happiness. I wat to fight for my own happiness. Where is it?

Am I happy now?

I am not.

Why?

Rich.

I'm finding too much fault in him. He is truly an awesome guy I feel but I don't seem to be able to appreciate him for long. I think it's my problem. Yes I love him but I no longer believe that I can find happiness together with him. I don't even know if whatever he is doing now is able to turn the tides or it's just a wasted effort.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have to be cautious and patient with him but I guess I ran out of it on the 7th year going 8th. He made me wait too long that I'd lost faith in him.

When he plans events, at the back of my head, I felt that he is just fulfilling some SOPs so that I won't make a big fuss out of it. The 3 events... they will never come true if I don't make a big fuss out of it. This will be persistent you-see... I expect my man to make an effort, big or small, every now and then, to perk my life. Just as much as I want to plan something for him as well. But he kills it. Everytime I thought of something I wanted to do, I paused and asked myself not to do too much because I don't want to be disappointed by him. I admit, when I do certain things, I like to do it because I also like to receive it. However, rich is just good at receiving without feeling the guilt that he has to "return" it.

The saddest part is how I feel so strongly that he does things because I asked for it. And it upsets me so much. I don't want to have to beg him so that I can have a happy teacher's day. I don't want to have to beg him for a different graduation. I don't want to have to beg him for a special 25th birthday. He had already ruined them all and made no attempt to salvage it as soon as possible. And it upsets me a real deal that he never thought of trying to make things a little more different... something that I would like to receive............ That's why I can never feel that he wants me so badly it can kill him if I ever leave him. The truth is, he can live without me.

Even if he proposes, I feel like I'm marrying myself. He is only proposing because I gave him a bloody deadline but that's not my purpose. And he doesn't understand me because he never discusses with me and never attempts to talk to me about my feelings and emotions and thoughts. He is just going his own way without even realising it.

It feels like if I keep on staying on with him, I can never find my own happiness. Neither for him.

In a dilemma

Is this right?

I can't think of any ways to salvage the situation.

I feel that things are going because I've been pushing it.

And I can't be pushing it forever... because I absolutely can't stand being the one who is pushing things so that things get going.

I still don't feel wanted. By him.

And I still want to get out in May. I guess I'll just hold it till we celebrate his birthday for the last time.

And the trip... I don't know if he should join anymore.

Lost and frustrated.

I don't know if I should believe him or not.

Because this is my logic:

If he hasn't even started planning the 3 events, he wasn't serious about it. He knows the importance of the 3 events and yet he hasn't even started planning... how is he serious about changing for the better?

I don't know how to proposal got dragged into the picture... but somehow he's still not making much sense.

Shouldn't he settle the 3 events asap to prove himself?

And if he really takes what I said seriously... why would he even plan for the 3 events to happen in June?

It would have already been over between us seriously.

This is really the end.

Really, I question myself how foolish I can get to believe things would change for the better and that he would really prove himself because he really wants to marry me so darn badly. I'm a fucking fool. If a guy wants to marry a woman SO BADLY... Would a guy behave like this then? Would a guy not even attempt to quickly fulfill his promises? Would a guy not be eager to prove himself? Would a guy not want to discuss future plans, saving plans and housing plans? He hasn't done any of it. At. All.

Maybe you might find it hard to believe but I'm really going to get married to someone in August this year.

So going down the timeline...

Rich has only got till May to prove himself and if he successfully proved himself... he will have to propose to me in May. That is if he wants to be the one I marry to in August. But he made no attempt so far and it's already March.

That's why I really couldn't understand what makes Rich not be planning the 3 events all these while? He probably thinks I'm joking about it. Well... if he really does, then so be it.

Just based on the situation now, he will only finish his 3 events by the end of May. He will have absolutely no time at all for the proposal. And so, as you can already see... this is already the end of us... however sad it may be, I guess when it's seriously time to let go you fucking just have to do it. This cannot keep dragging on because I'm already 26 coming SEPTEMBER THIS YEAR! Fuck me. I'm so fucking old.

Even if I knew getting married by the age of 25 is already not possible, I still do not want to deviate too far from it. I still want some alone time without children. I'm not waiting anymore. I can't imagine only getting married at the age of 27 or 28 and having a child at 29 years old. I just have to let him go.

By May, if things have to turn a lil rough, I'll need to end the relationship and search for my future husband. I shall give myself 3 months to get to know the man before marrying him. And guess what? I'll still be 25 years old if I do get married in August this year. That's not that bad, isn't it? :)

Drained.

Drained from work. And work. And work.

And personal commitment.

Sometimes, I just wish to isolate myself from the outside world where the pace can go slower and I can just sit back, relax, sip from a cup of tea (that never turns cold) and read a book with soothing music playing at the background.

Completely cut off from the world for a day.

Wouldn't that be great?

A week of valentines

This week was crazily hectic. I can't seem to find any time to do my lesson plans... I was just rushing so much during lesson as well. I called that speed-teaching 'coz I have to complete the syllabus and return the files by Tuesday, next week. Feeling the pressure, honestly...

Anyway, we had a great Tuesday (V'day) eating at the hawker. Rich brought me out for dinner on Thursday. I brought him out for dinner on Saturday. Pictures to be posted... when I can find the time. Haha...

Lost it.

My moodswing is getting severe and beyond my control. I tried hard to pretend I'm okay but I can't. Every day when I wake up I feel that void and I couldn't find a reason for it. Some days it didn't feel so bad but there were others which were just overwhelming I find it so difficult to even put on a fake smile to my colleagues. Is it signs of depression?

Today we met up with Yvonne and Wei Bing. I could feel her energy even though she was exhausted from planning her wedding. I'm filled with envy. How I wish I could also be like that... She knows what she's doing, where she's heading and she is working hard towards her desired outcome. What about me?

I have no goals in life. I can't look forward to my home tuition. I can't look forward to having a married life. I can't look forward to planning a wedding. I can't even look forward to V' day. Did I lose it?

I think Rich made me lose it. Our used-to-be-existing future that has become a forbidden topic. It's really tough for me to be with someone who doesn't have any future plans in mind. And honestly, unlike Yvonne, I don't wish to push it. If he wants a future with me, he should have the drive and enthusiasm to sit down and plan things together. If he wants me so badly, he should be eager to buy a house and marry me. But all I see was plenty of excuses and contemplation and procrastination.

He doesn't even bother discussing any financial plans with me?

I've watched shows and you may have thought that shows are just shows but the truth is they do depict reality. A man who is ready to settle down would be eager to find out just how much money he needs and how much more he needs to earn. But this man? He has no clue and no desire to calculate.

I'm scared of this man whom I'm dating. The longer we are together, the more I feel that I don't know him. I'm scared... because every single day... I'm beginning to find out he is really just... not my man.

Every day I feel so unloved and unwanted. Every day.

I just want to quit.

Oh, I found my bottle! Right...

I've no idea why he decided to mail it to my house... but I'm thankful for it. Well... since I lost mine. It's such a trivial thing honestly and I didn't really put in much thought... I didn't even think of replacing it ('coz I was so busy with my work and totally exhausted to think much after work) but I truly appreciate it. That he didn't just overlook such a pinky small thing... =)

Actually, I already kind of guessed that he would be buying me one. I just don't know when it will ever come... HAHA.

FOR SUNNY!

Today, in order to motivate each other to lose weight, we decided to reward each other when we reach our target weight.

Rich is going to buy me my sunny when I reach 53kg and then uLove when I reach 50kg.

I will give him $3.5k when he reaches 73kg and then $5k when he reaches 70kg.

To make sure we will work really, really hard towards our goals... the first person to reach his or her goal will be rewarded and the goal becomes obsolete for the other person. E.g. If I reach 53kg first, I will get my sunny and when he reaches 73kg, he gets nothing. And if things go well and I lose another 3kg to reach 50kg earlier than him, he will buy me uLove and he gets nothing when he reaches 70kg.

=D

I am going to make sure I get my sunny first. For my pocket and for sunny!

A Cozy Saturday

Another Saturday gone just teaching from 9 to 6. However, I was looking forward to seeing Rich at the end of the last class. It was just like any other evening. We ate at Pepper Lunch. I was disappointed with my Jumbo Steak Rice and didn't finish it. We had waffle ice-cream at Gelare. I was disappointed with the waffle but I did finish my portion. All else can fail but as long as the company is right... the day can still feel good. It wasn't great but it was good.

Squashed ourselves into the seat meant for an adult and a child and had a cozy bus ride back to Tampines. Walked home with a pack of nuggets we had bought from the store recommended by Mei Ling. Spent some time just cuddling and talking about silly things.

It's nice to have an evening spent this way once in awhile.

Life as a 25 year old

I have decided to start blogging again. Secret or not, I just wish to only share my heartfelt thoughts and feelings here. I will not hide for fear of one's judgement. Of course, the most important reason is... I want to start recording my life again! And this time as a 25 year old! Especially those good memories... so that I can read back and reminisce the past.

To be exact... I'm 25 years and 4 months old. =)