Lost it.

My moodswing is getting severe and beyond my control. I tried hard to pretend I'm okay but I can't. Every day when I wake up I feel that void and I couldn't find a reason for it. Some days it didn't feel so bad but there were others which were just overwhelming I find it so difficult to even put on a fake smile to my colleagues. Is it signs of depression?

Today we met up with Yvonne and Wei Bing. I could feel her energy even though she was exhausted from planning her wedding. I'm filled with envy. How I wish I could also be like that... She knows what she's doing, where she's heading and she is working hard towards her desired outcome. What about me?

I have no goals in life. I can't look forward to my home tuition. I can't look forward to having a married life. I can't look forward to planning a wedding. I can't even look forward to V' day. Did I lose it?

I think Rich made me lose it. Our used-to-be-existing future that has become a forbidden topic. It's really tough for me to be with someone who doesn't have any future plans in mind. And honestly, unlike Yvonne, I don't wish to push it. If he wants a future with me, he should have the drive and enthusiasm to sit down and plan things together. If he wants me so badly, he should be eager to buy a house and marry me. But all I see was plenty of excuses and contemplation and procrastination.

He doesn't even bother discussing any financial plans with me?

I've watched shows and you may have thought that shows are just shows but the truth is they do depict reality. A man who is ready to settle down would be eager to find out just how much money he needs and how much more he needs to earn. But this man? He has no clue and no desire to calculate.

I'm scared of this man whom I'm dating. The longer we are together, the more I feel that I don't know him. I'm scared... because every single day... I'm beginning to find out he is really just... not my man.

Every day I feel so unloved and unwanted. Every day.

I just want to quit.