I wonder...

Rich has been trying so hard the past few days to please me... It will be so hard to keep up really.

He has been leaving notes, making breakfast, buying me too many lozenges and medicine because I was having cold-cough-diarrhea all at once.

Thankful but still slightly doubtful... 'coz can keep up ma? Still a little touched though.

And I don't think I can match up to that. Sigh... 19 March. The time is ticking.

Revamp

Goal 1: Losing weight, 48kg

• End of March, 55kg
• End of April, 51kg
• End of May, 48kg

Goal 2: Dark circles

• Sleep early, 8hours a day
• Eye mask, daily

Goal 3: Freckles & moles

• Laser treatment in June (1 week before end of hols)
• Moles removal (all face)
• Derma rolling face for quick recovery

Goal 4: Stretched marks

• Derma rolling, once two weeks
• retinol cream, daily, one week before rolling

Goal 5: Wrinkled hands, neck & Dry skin

By Mid April I should be attending dance class at Kulture.

New goal

I finally knew about his plans and how just unaligned we are.

I wish I could turn back time to salvage all of these time we have wasted.

But of course, I couldn't.

How different are we until now... We are probably a miracle to be able to stand till now.

I am upset by what he told me. But I'm also glad now I finally knew. And that I was right to feel unwanted all along.

Never was there a single moment he wanted to marry me anytime earlier because he couldn't wait to be with me.

It did break my heart. I won't look forward to the day he asks for my hand because he was never intending to.

I will just look forward to May.

For now, I can finally fill the void with a new goal.

I'm going to lose weight and turn into belle and find my prince charming.

End of March - 55kg
End of April - 53kg

April - start of dance course at Kulture Studio

Never happy ever after.

Everytime I finished talking to Yvonne, my mind was... I also want to find my own happiness.

Happiness is something you need to fight for. That's what I truly believe in.

I am not someone born with luck. It's something I truly believe in and I always tell myself never to depend on luck even though I'm guilty for praying for luck once in awhile when things don't go my way.

That's why as much as I wish happiness for my friends, I also question myself my own happiness. I wat to fight for my own happiness. Where is it?

Am I happy now?

I am not.

Why?

Rich.

I'm finding too much fault in him. He is truly an awesome guy I feel but I don't seem to be able to appreciate him for long. I think it's my problem. Yes I love him but I no longer believe that I can find happiness together with him. I don't even know if whatever he is doing now is able to turn the tides or it's just a wasted effort.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have to be cautious and patient with him but I guess I ran out of it on the 7th year going 8th. He made me wait too long that I'd lost faith in him.

When he plans events, at the back of my head, I felt that he is just fulfilling some SOPs so that I won't make a big fuss out of it. The 3 events... they will never come true if I don't make a big fuss out of it. This will be persistent you-see... I expect my man to make an effort, big or small, every now and then, to perk my life. Just as much as I want to plan something for him as well. But he kills it. Everytime I thought of something I wanted to do, I paused and asked myself not to do too much because I don't want to be disappointed by him. I admit, when I do certain things, I like to do it because I also like to receive it. However, rich is just good at receiving without feeling the guilt that he has to "return" it.

The saddest part is how I feel so strongly that he does things because I asked for it. And it upsets me so much. I don't want to have to beg him so that I can have a happy teacher's day. I don't want to have to beg him for a different graduation. I don't want to have to beg him for a special 25th birthday. He had already ruined them all and made no attempt to salvage it as soon as possible. And it upsets me a real deal that he never thought of trying to make things a little more different... something that I would like to receive............ That's why I can never feel that he wants me so badly it can kill him if I ever leave him. The truth is, he can live without me.

Even if he proposes, I feel like I'm marrying myself. He is only proposing because I gave him a bloody deadline but that's not my purpose. And he doesn't understand me because he never discusses with me and never attempts to talk to me about my feelings and emotions and thoughts. He is just going his own way without even realising it.

It feels like if I keep on staying on with him, I can never find my own happiness. Neither for him.

In a dilemma

Is this right?

I can't think of any ways to salvage the situation.

I feel that things are going because I've been pushing it.

And I can't be pushing it forever... because I absolutely can't stand being the one who is pushing things so that things get going.

I still don't feel wanted. By him.

And I still want to get out in May. I guess I'll just hold it till we celebrate his birthday for the last time.

And the trip... I don't know if he should join anymore.

Lost and frustrated.

I don't know if I should believe him or not.

Because this is my logic:

If he hasn't even started planning the 3 events, he wasn't serious about it. He knows the importance of the 3 events and yet he hasn't even started planning... how is he serious about changing for the better?

I don't know how to proposal got dragged into the picture... but somehow he's still not making much sense.

Shouldn't he settle the 3 events asap to prove himself?

And if he really takes what I said seriously... why would he even plan for the 3 events to happen in June?

It would have already been over between us seriously.

This is really the end.

Really, I question myself how foolish I can get to believe things would change for the better and that he would really prove himself because he really wants to marry me so darn badly. I'm a fucking fool. If a guy wants to marry a woman SO BADLY... Would a guy behave like this then? Would a guy not even attempt to quickly fulfill his promises? Would a guy not be eager to prove himself? Would a guy not want to discuss future plans, saving plans and housing plans? He hasn't done any of it. At. All.

Maybe you might find it hard to believe but I'm really going to get married to someone in August this year.

So going down the timeline...

Rich has only got till May to prove himself and if he successfully proved himself... he will have to propose to me in May. That is if he wants to be the one I marry to in August. But he made no attempt so far and it's already March.

That's why I really couldn't understand what makes Rich not be planning the 3 events all these while? He probably thinks I'm joking about it. Well... if he really does, then so be it.

Just based on the situation now, he will only finish his 3 events by the end of May. He will have absolutely no time at all for the proposal. And so, as you can already see... this is already the end of us... however sad it may be, I guess when it's seriously time to let go you fucking just have to do it. This cannot keep dragging on because I'm already 26 coming SEPTEMBER THIS YEAR! Fuck me. I'm so fucking old.

Even if I knew getting married by the age of 25 is already not possible, I still do not want to deviate too far from it. I still want some alone time without children. I'm not waiting anymore. I can't imagine only getting married at the age of 27 or 28 and having a child at 29 years old. I just have to let him go.

By May, if things have to turn a lil rough, I'll need to end the relationship and search for my future husband. I shall give myself 3 months to get to know the man before marrying him. And guess what? I'll still be 25 years old if I do get married in August this year. That's not that bad, isn't it? :)