Never happy ever after.

Everytime I finished talking to Yvonne, my mind was... I also want to find my own happiness.

Happiness is something you need to fight for. That's what I truly believe in.

I am not someone born with luck. It's something I truly believe in and I always tell myself never to depend on luck even though I'm guilty for praying for luck once in awhile when things don't go my way.

That's why as much as I wish happiness for my friends, I also question myself my own happiness. I wat to fight for my own happiness. Where is it?

Am I happy now?

I am not.

Why?

Rich.

I'm finding too much fault in him. He is truly an awesome guy I feel but I don't seem to be able to appreciate him for long. I think it's my problem. Yes I love him but I no longer believe that I can find happiness together with him. I don't even know if whatever he is doing now is able to turn the tides or it's just a wasted effort.

I have to keep reminding myself that I have to be cautious and patient with him but I guess I ran out of it on the 7th year going 8th. He made me wait too long that I'd lost faith in him.

When he plans events, at the back of my head, I felt that he is just fulfilling some SOPs so that I won't make a big fuss out of it. The 3 events... they will never come true if I don't make a big fuss out of it. This will be persistent you-see... I expect my man to make an effort, big or small, every now and then, to perk my life. Just as much as I want to plan something for him as well. But he kills it. Everytime I thought of something I wanted to do, I paused and asked myself not to do too much because I don't want to be disappointed by him. I admit, when I do certain things, I like to do it because I also like to receive it. However, rich is just good at receiving without feeling the guilt that he has to "return" it.

The saddest part is how I feel so strongly that he does things because I asked for it. And it upsets me so much. I don't want to have to beg him so that I can have a happy teacher's day. I don't want to have to beg him for a different graduation. I don't want to have to beg him for a special 25th birthday. He had already ruined them all and made no attempt to salvage it as soon as possible. And it upsets me a real deal that he never thought of trying to make things a little more different... something that I would like to receive............ That's why I can never feel that he wants me so badly it can kill him if I ever leave him. The truth is, he can live without me.

Even if he proposes, I feel like I'm marrying myself. He is only proposing because I gave him a bloody deadline but that's not my purpose. And he doesn't understand me because he never discusses with me and never attempts to talk to me about my feelings and emotions and thoughts. He is just going his own way without even realising it.

It feels like if I keep on staying on with him, I can never find my own happiness. Neither for him.